Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
