I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
