fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
