Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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