his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
