I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
