someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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