i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
