I can't watch pbs sober anymore
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
