my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
