A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
