mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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