Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
