I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
