On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
