If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize