i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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