You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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