It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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