Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
