i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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