you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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