You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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