Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
