If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
