wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
