found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
