Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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