He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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