I just pynch a tree in the face
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
