Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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