dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
