There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
