When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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