Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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