Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
