when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
