After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
