I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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