So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
