i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
