John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I miss vodka workout Fridays
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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