how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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