there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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