The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We need a shit load of segways right now
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
