wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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