I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
