So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize