I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
