Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
