I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
