I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
