Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize