she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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