Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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