Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
