I can text with my tongue
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
