I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
