I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dear god my vagina.
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