why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
