We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
God I need to hump something, right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
