i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to sanitize my soul.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
