i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
