in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
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you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Your penis caused this!
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