I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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