Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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