you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
